Teaching our Kids Coping Skills
Since life is full of ups and downs, having healthy coping skills is a must. One of the best ways to instill healthy coping skills to our kids is by modeling them.
“DO WHAT I SAY, NOT WHAT I DO”
I can recall hearing these words as a child and having big feelings about the unfairness of the world. I also remember the (hopefully) unsaid words on the tip of my tongue, “Why should I have to do this if you don’t” in response. When this type of interaction occurs, children begin to question what they really are supposed to do. Perhaps a “Do what I say, not what I do,” mindset is less present in today’s parenting styles, however, the thought, whether conscious or unconscious, shapes all of us in one way or another. While observational learning is one of the most effective ways children learn life lessons, modeling appropriate behavior in the face of a setback is one of the harder jobs in parenting. We’ve all had a bad day and wanted nothing more than to come home and forget about it by employing some of our less healthy habits - like drinking, binge eating, online shopping, or just being angry and irritable, to name a few. For good or bad, our kids are honed into our actions and they are learning, “do what I do.”
HOW DO YOU COPE WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE A SET BACK OR A BAD DAY?
Think of the last time you had a rotten day or a big or even small setback, how did you handle it? What did your kids see? Our kids are watching everything we do and learning, judging, and making decisions about how we live life. Like many things in life, learning and using healthy coping strategies is a lifelong endeavor. Finding strategies that work for you and for your child(ren) is also a process - one that we will excel at and fail at time and again. Teaching by example is one of the most positive ways we can parent our kids. So, even when you don’t model the healthy ways, talk it over with your kids and let them know you are learning and growing and trying to do better.
If you are re-assessing your coping strategies, here are some tips that might help you cope and teach your children healthy ways to cope, as well.
HEALTHY COPING STRATEGIES:
Talk about what happened and how that makes you feel - label your emotions. Whether you are hurt, angry, or frustrated, name your emotion and debrief what is appropriate for your child’s age and maturity level. Demonstrate that it is safe to talk about bad experiences.
Reframe failures into growth opportunities. We all experience failures. Deciding how you can grow from a failure or bad experience turns it into an opportunity to learn and grow.
Use positive self talk. Be careful to avoid using self-shaming language and instead say things like, “I am smart and I am able to handle this situation” or “I can be more patient next time.”
Ask for support when you need it. Let your child know that you need a hug or some help with dinner, chores or even some time to yourself to regroup. Families help each other when needed and it is okay for you to ask for help.
Do something physical. Take a walk, go on a jog, do yoga, or whatever gets your heart beating. Problem solving and a clearer mind often result from physical activity.
Practice deep breathing and grounding so these can be used “in the moment” when needed. Teach your child Box Breathing and practice it together so it becomes more natural. (If you haven’t tried Box Breathing, instructions are below).
Box Breathing is a method used by the Navy Seals to gain composure, focus, and calm when experiencing stress. Using the palm and pointer finger is optional but can be a tangible tool to further connect mind and body.
Open one palm, face up. Place the pointer finger of the other hand on one corner of the open palm.
Draw a box on your palm starting in the bottom left corner.
As you draw the first line up, breathe in for a count of 4.
As you draw the top line across, hold your breath for a count of 4.
As you draw the side line down, breathe out for a count of 4.
As you draw the final bottom line, let your breath hold space (don’t breathe in or out) for another count of 4.
Repeat the process counting slower each time until calm and focused.